Hard Answers

The last 10 days have been some of the most challenging in my recent memory.  I returned to Haiti seven days ago, but prior to that I spent five weeks in St. Louis, soaking up time with family and friends.  I spent 3 days each week with my precious nephew while his momma was in school.  I ate dinner with friends.  I consumed snow cones and ice cream.  I went to a movie, and shopped in Target and Wal-Mart.  My family had a huge open house so that I could see all the family and friends I hadn't seen in a long time.  Many memories were made, yet I felt off somehow.  I thought I was ready to be back in Haiti.
About a week before I was set to leave, the panic set in.  Panic like I've not had for a long time.  The kind that lends itself well to sleepless nights.  To eating bad food.  To being terrible and snippy and short with people around you.  The kind that makes you cling to your family and push all others away.  I tried desperately to stay out of the land of "What If's".  I recognized that Satan was trying to plant seeds of doubt.  Not in one area, but in a few.  I guess if you try to plant in a few different places, one is bound to take root, right? 
I confessed to a few people what was happening, and they began praying.  As the time came closer for me to leave, I couldn't have a conversation without tearing up, or dissolving completely in tears.
I arrived in Haiti to have a plethora of strange, inconvenient, or annoying things happen.  I will not list them out again, but everything from the motherboard of my laptop dying to there not being thumbtacks at the store.  And everything in between.  Friday came to a close, and Saturday dawned with new possibilities, yet I felt this terrible weight.  I was weepy and could not snap out of it.  Attempts by friends provided temporary distractions, but when I was sitting here yesterday afternoon, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was being selfish and getting in the way of what God is working on here.  Then this morning before church, I was listening to last week's message and the Spirit of God poked me hard and pointed out that serving here has become a heart idol for me.  I'm still exploring that one.
And the final kicker for me came in church this morning.  The message revolved around Psalm 23.  God gives me everything I need.  He prepares the places I go before I get there.  He ordains relationships and the timing of them.  He, in his infinite wisdom, leads me in places that will bring Him the most glory.  Because isn't that why I'm here?  And the final part brought tears to my eyes as the pastor said, "Does goodness and mercy follow you?  We are promised in Psalm 23 that they do indeed follow us."  I realized that in my week, I had many things following me, but if someone were to name the things following me, goodness and mercy probably were not on the list.
So as I head into the next week, I so desperately realize that I need my God.  I need Him every day. Every hour.  Every minute.  My prayer this week, as the lyrics from Rich Mullins' song go:
Let mercy lead
Let love be the strength in your legs
And in every footprint that you leave
There'll be a drop of grace

I guess if I'm letting mercy lead, goodness and more mercy will have to follow.