Vacation Day 2

It's day 2 at the beach. I'm beginning to relax, which is kind of a foreign feeling to me. It has taken a considerable amount of napping, reading, laying in the sun (under a palm tree), and walking out into the sea, to be able to take a deep breath, exhale, and not feel guilt or stress or anything other than pure ahhhhhh-ness. There's no other way to describe it. It's not contentness, it's not joy or bliss, or happiness; just that I can breathe. Salty sea air in, salty sea air out. I didn't think I'd get in the Carribean Sea. I didn't think I'd like it, but yesterday when I tentatively stepped in, one slow step at a time, and then found myself out up to my neck and loving the feeling, I felt a calm peacefulness that I didn't expect. I floated and looked at my feet, and freaked when little fish would come up to me. I picked up rocks with my feet, and felt the ebb and flow of the waves pushing me out and pulling me back in. I loved how small I felt in that great big sea. I loved the salty taste on my lips, and the color of the water.


This morning I sat by the sea in a chair, feeling the sun come up behind me, and watching the water change color in front of me. By 6:00 the men who catch lobsters and fish were out setting traps and getting their small dugout boat ready. A man walked by with a huge spear. We saw him yesterday come in with two large swordfish on his shoulder. I wondered what he would bring in today. I wanted so desperately to have time alone with my Father this morning. But it wouldn't come. I know He wanted it, still does. I know He is patient. I just couldn't quiet my thoughts. Crazy, since it was silent except for the waves. I asked Him to quiet my mind. I put my music in my ears, and started with "God, You Reign" by Lincoln Brewster. By the middle of the song, I was singing it out loud, standing in the waves. I had the sweetest time of worship, just in awe that in all the beauty of what God has created, that He allows me the opportunity to be part of it. And how the accuser tries to tell me I'm not worthy of any of this. How the things in my life don't measure up to who I am in Christ. How I have failed my Father so many times before, and why would this be any different. Suddenly, I found myself listening to Mandisa's "Not Guilty". Oh what sweet words. I thanked God that despite my failings, despite my seemingly constant inability to stay focused on Him, and to give Him the glory for all things in my life, that He loves me. Purely loves me. Not based on anything other than His perfect grace, that He pours all over me. Lavishes on me. What a great word. Lavish. We lavish praise on someone for a job well done. I lavishly use my new body soap given to me by a dear encouraging missionary. I lavish love and kisses and hugs on the children I work with every day. But somehow, that can't even compare to the how completely, without holding anything back, God lavishes His love on me. On you. Oh what a beautiful thing it is. To live in the center of such complete love and forgiveness. And as I stood there with my arms wide open, face to the sky, and singing at the top of my lungs, I couldn't help but think, it's not what I do. It's how I do it and Who I give the glory to. It's not me being able to accomplish anything outside of what God has given to me. And at the end of the day, at the end of all my days, that I want my life to reflect Him. To somehow, in some way, let my life bring glory to Him. Not to me, but to Him, the author of life, the redeemer of my soul, and the sustainer of my faith. Hallelujah.